I miss Early Thanksgiving

Our family had an odd but wonderful tradition.  We did not celebrate Thanksgiving on the day the calendar dictated.  In 2000 my parents and I traveled to Thailand and then on to Nepal. We were gone nearly a month and that moth spanned Thanksgiving.  Unwilling to give up our most treasured family day, we decided to celebrate with family earlier in the month.  I spent the “calendar Thanksgiving” in a Tea House in Chommrung in the Annapurna Sanctuary.  At any rate we realized that having Thanksgiving on our own day worked out fabulously.  It allowed coupled siblings to spend one day with each family.  It allowed those of us who had to travel to do so on a weekend that was not clogged with other holiday travelers.  It allowed us to find a day that worked for almost everyone, every year. In short, it was ideal.  We dubbed our day “Early Thanksgiving” and so it went.

It is difficult when you realize that your parents were the glue of the family.  This will be my third Thanksgiving without my father and my fourth without my mom. It was their love and passion that held everyone together.  It is also hard when you understand that it was they who made you really want to “go home”. It was the ingredient that they added to the mix that made the “kids” also want to be around one another.  Blood is thicker though.  With a blended family of thirty years one would think that step siblings become relatives. But they don’t.  When the glue is gone, the camps separate and become other families – the ones who can, return to their family of origin connections and ostensibly their “roots”, the ones who have little family of origin remaining are left to find new roots, new “families” or are and pining for what was.  I am all of the latter. 

I am blessed to have a Colorado “family”, a group of really good people. They have welcomed me. I am grateful for that and over time – my connection to them will create memories and spawn traditions.  Right now though there are no old traditions in my world that I have any connection to.  There is no “remember that time when?”

I live 900 miles away from what I used to call “home”, so even when my father and step mom (who I consider my mother) were alive it was an effort to get home – but one I made eagerly. The last time I went it was to dedicate a memorial bench to my parents – it was still them that drew me there. I have one full sibling. She has been connected with the family in a on again, off again way for many years.  While I love her dearly, she is not a family rock for me. I have another half sister with a family who I adore and wish lived nearer. In my survey of relatives I would consider her the one I am most drawn to connect and stay connected with.  Out of 11 half and step siblings, that is a pretty low number of connections.

As a childless adult I have no traditions to create for anyone, dogs don’t care as long as there is food and love (thank God for dogs).  When your parents are gone and there is no “next generation” it leaves one with a feeling of disconnection.  There is no continuum.  When I look around me at the memorabilia I have and the family treasures I think to myself – to who shall these go? What is their purpose? What is mine?

So, I miss our family Thanksgiving, deeply, to my core.  I miss the people, all of them, who were involved and yet realize that without my parents we seem to have little interest or energy to rekindle or maintain that family tradition because THAT tradition as it was is gone forever. I suppose we realize that it was all hinged on and made by the presence of our parents. I too am guilty of “letting go”.  It makes me sad and it makes this time of year difficult.

I am looking forward to my new family Thanksgiving.  We are hosting the day at our house.  I will accept the new traditions and hopefully have the opportunity to honor some of what is deeply important to me on that day. I will find a way to honor what was without neglecting what is. It will take some deliberation but it is worth it and it is vital. For me it is the most sacred of holidays – one that has not largely been commercialized and harnessed by the economic engine of America.  The stores go directly from Halloween to Christmas. It is one that is simple and elegant and all about being thankful.  I have so much to be thankful for – this Thanksgiving I will focus on what is hear and now and be thankful for what was.